Saturday, December 20, 2014

I should be travelling this sem break. But I don't. Mom got sick. And I don't know, things got complicated. I was supposed to travel so i'll be able to calm myself, find peace. And here i am. At home. Most of the time. I cancelled my vacation because i can't just leave my mom here. She's sick. She needs me. It breaks my heart to see her this sick. My heart, break to pieces when i help her to shower. I personally think human being is far more scary than what you call ghost or whatsoever. When i see her struggling, to stand up even when she really can't, man, my heart ache. My dad, doesn't even sleep at night. Afraid my mum is in pain so he checked on her frequently. I know this bcs i sleep with my mum. If mom wants to eat something but we don't hv it at home, he'll rush to buy it. There's this time my mom feels like drinking coke at 9pm, but the nearest shop closed. So he went to town to buy a can of coke. But then mom don't feel like drinking it. Instead she wants hot drinks. So he make some for her. I guess he'll do everything for her. He call us frequently to ask how's mom doing when he's at work. Tells me how worry he is, how sad he is, how he hope she'll get better soon. I hope mom get well soon too. Like before i went back to college, so i dont have to worry much. 

But even i this kind of situation i've been in, that one person. Still, heartlessly bring pain and sorrow and something to overthink with. Let me tell you this, i don't need you to linger around my life anymore. I don't even want your presence. You're the one who got tired first, said you can't stand me, tired of me, don't even know what to say to me anymore, tells me that i caused all those stress when it is you all this time. I mean it's you who can't manage your time properly, you can't fit in with your college life yet. It's not me. I am there through your ups and downs. And when i need you the most, where are you? Busy. Always busy. Can't stand me? Tired of me? I caused you all those stress? Then why are you always the one to contact me again? If you don't like me, leave me alone like i always want to. Masuk U trus mcm tu. Idk man. I'm done with you. Don't know if you hv someone else there but if there is, good for you. Harap bahagia sampai jannah. Harap sangat. Masa2 sy susah ni boleh lagi lempar kata2 yang boleh buat sakit hati ni tambah parah. 

I broke down just now. But i know I can't let my mom see me like this. Damn it! I'm too fragile. I can only tell dad. He's always a good listener. Always know what to say. "Don't trust more than 20%" "let go, you deserve better" "you're better than this" "i know you'll meet someone better after college" and i one thing he always tell me "you're pretty, don't worry". I'll burst laughing when he tell me that.

I hope my mom get well soon. 

And you,

I'll get over you. I will. 

I guess, 

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