Tuesday, December 23, 2014


It's not that i don't wanna trust.

I'm just tired. 

What if it goes wrong?
What if it doesn't work the way we wanted?
What if we fight all the time?
What if we can't understand each other?

I could give hundreds of my 'what if'.
I'm afraid of what the future will become.
Are we still together?
Are we gonna be what we are back then?

I'm afraid we'll hate each other,
Blame each other for everything.


What if she wants you back?
What if he wants me back?

Will we still stay faithful to each other?

What if you got bored?
What if you hate what i am?

The way i always cling on you,
My fussiness,
How i get jealous over the smallest things,
How i always want you to be there for me,
How i miss you the second we say goodbye,
How imperfect i am,
How i always find something to compare myself to other girls,
How i always put myself down hoping you'll help me up.

What if one day you'll get tired of me?
Of my attitude.

What if you leave.
Just like them.

Somedays i'll be happy as f,
Somedays i'll cry my eyes out,
Somedays i'll ignore you.

Will you still stay?
Can you put up with that?

Or are you gonna be just like the others?
Giving me promises,
And then when it doesn't go the way they wanted,
When i don't live up to their expectations,

"You're boring"
"You're the main cause of all this stress i have"
"I'm tired of you"
"I don't even know what to say"
"You're the problem"
But somehow i feel like it's not my fault, because i told them im no good and all.
And still,
"I don't mind that"
"It's okay"
"I can handle that"
"I can put up with that"
"That's normal"
"I don't care"

"I promise"

Promise my ass.

It's not that i don't wanna be with someone, 
It's just that,

I'm afraid.

Saturday, December 20, 2014

I should be travelling this sem break. But I don't. Mom got sick. And I don't know, things got complicated. I was supposed to travel so i'll be able to calm myself, find peace. And here i am. At home. Most of the time. I cancelled my vacation because i can't just leave my mom here. She's sick. She needs me. It breaks my heart to see her this sick. My heart, break to pieces when i help her to shower. I personally think human being is far more scary than what you call ghost or whatsoever. When i see her struggling, to stand up even when she really can't, man, my heart ache. My dad, doesn't even sleep at night. Afraid my mum is in pain so he checked on her frequently. I know this bcs i sleep with my mum. If mom wants to eat something but we don't hv it at home, he'll rush to buy it. There's this time my mom feels like drinking coke at 9pm, but the nearest shop closed. So he went to town to buy a can of coke. But then mom don't feel like drinking it. Instead she wants hot drinks. So he make some for her. I guess he'll do everything for her. He call us frequently to ask how's mom doing when he's at work. Tells me how worry he is, how sad he is, how he hope she'll get better soon. I hope mom get well soon too. Like before i went back to college, so i dont have to worry much. 

But even i this kind of situation i've been in, that one person. Still, heartlessly bring pain and sorrow and something to overthink with. Let me tell you this, i don't need you to linger around my life anymore. I don't even want your presence. You're the one who got tired first, said you can't stand me, tired of me, don't even know what to say to me anymore, tells me that i caused all those stress when it is you all this time. I mean it's you who can't manage your time properly, you can't fit in with your college life yet. It's not me. I am there through your ups and downs. And when i need you the most, where are you? Busy. Always busy. Can't stand me? Tired of me? I caused you all those stress? Then why are you always the one to contact me again? If you don't like me, leave me alone like i always want to. Masuk U trus mcm tu. Idk man. I'm done with you. Don't know if you hv someone else there but if there is, good for you. Harap bahagia sampai jannah. Harap sangat. Masa2 sy susah ni boleh lagi lempar kata2 yang boleh buat sakit hati ni tambah parah. 

I broke down just now. But i know I can't let my mom see me like this. Damn it! I'm too fragile. I can only tell dad. He's always a good listener. Always know what to say. "Don't trust more than 20%" "let go, you deserve better" "you're better than this" "i know you'll meet someone better after college" and i one thing he always tell me "you're pretty, don't worry". I'll burst laughing when he tell me that.

I hope my mom get well soon. 

And you,

I'll get over you. I will. 

I guess, 

Tuesday, December 9, 2014


i really am.

may look calm outside but i am comparing myself to others.
always look down on myself. 
and i know it's not good.

can't stop comparing. don't even know how to stop. there's time when i couldn't even look myself in the mirror, time when i stay in my fucking room for one whole day, sleeping, because i don't think i deserve to go outside. i like being alone, so i don't have to meet people and compare myself. don't even think i deserve compliments from people. 

i can't trust.

i don't even know why. i just can't. "i like you", bla bla bla. i can't trust. i mean how can someone even like me when i don't even like myself. funny. i have this trust issue and it's gettin' worse. can't even trust my ehem2 *back then when i have one* more than 40%. hahaha. doi lucu lah. and i'm always right. kak ton memang selalu diduakan -________-

i always think i'm not good enough for anyone, so i decide to just, not be with anyone. besides, i'm tired of people pointing out my flaw, try to change what i am. can't i just be me? why do you even wanna be with me if you wanna change what i am. can't do that. sorry.

i know i should get rid of this insecurities soon before it grows bigger.

maybe all i need is someone who'll just love me as i am. love my flaw *uhuk uhuk, batuk manja sikettttt*

nahh, i guess imma stay lowkey now. don't wanna get hurt again. biarlah i sendiri jew menghadapi dunia yang kejam dan penuh cabaran (~'_')~

one last thing,
you don't have to point out my flaw.
i have this mirror as big as me at home. 
so don't bother telling me